Let’s face it: (some) meetings suck. And the higher up you climb in your career, the more you realize that even fancy executive-level meetings can devolve into absolute sh**shows. (View Highlight)
I’ve sat through more painful, awkward, tense meetings than I care to count. You know the ones — where egos clash, agendas collide, and you can practically feel the frustration radiating off people in waves. Where afterward, you want to down a stiff drink (or three) just to recover from the emotional whiplash. (View Highlight)
But over the years, I’ve discovered a secret weapon for defusing those powder keg situations. A simple technique that can instantly reset the entire dynamic of a meeting gone off the rails.
I’m talking about the art of naming what’s happening in the room. (View Highlight)
You’re in a high-stakes product roadmap meeting. The room is a pressure cooker of competing priorities and barely concealed tension. Engineering wants more time for tech debt. Product is pushing for ambitious new features. Sales is clamoring for that one big enterprise client’s pet request. And leadership keeps bringing up hitting next quarter’s numbers. (View Highlight)
What typically happens?
The Laundry List of Grievances: Everyone takes turns stating their case. Listing out all the reasons why their priority is The Most Important Thing Ever.
Selective Hearing: As others speak, instead of listening, people are mentally rehearsing their counterarguments.
Frustration Builds: The more people talk past each other, the more irritated everyone becomes. Body language gets defensive. Tone gets snippy.
Assumptions Run Wild: In the absence of clear communication, people start ascribing motives. “Engineering just doesn’t care about growth!” “Product is trying to empire build!”
Emotional Amplification: As the perceived stakes get higher, so do the emotional responses. Fear, anger, and anxiety start driving the conversation instead of logic.
Unproductive Circular Arguments: The discussion goes in endless loops, with people restating the same points over and over, hoping repetition will somehow change minds.
Resolution by Exhaustion: Eventually, people get worn down. A “decision” gets made, but usually it’s just kicking the can down the road or going with whatever the highest-ranking person in the room wanted. (View Highlight)
Here’s the wild thing: In most of these situations, everyone in the room can sense that things have gone off the rails. We can feel the rising tension. We can see the crossed arms and furrowed brows. We can hear the edge creeping into people’s voices.
But hardly anyone ever says it out loud. (View Highlight)
That’s where the simple act of naming what’s happening comes in. It’s like hitting a giant “pause” button on the spiraling negativity.
Some examples:
• “Hey folks, I’m noticing that we seem to be talking in circles here. Can we take a step back?”
• “I’m sensing a lot of frustration in the room right now. What’s going unsaid that we need to address?”
• “It feels like we’ve shifted from problem-solving mode to defending our positions. How can we realign?” (View Highlight)
There are a few key psychological principles at play:
Pattern Interruption: Our brains love to get stuck in grooves. By explicitly naming what’s happening, you disrupt the negative pattern that’s developed.
Shared Reality: Acknowledging the collective experience creates a sense of “we’re all in this together” rather than adversarial positions.
Emotional Regulation: Putting words to the tension provides a bit of distance, helping to de-escalate heightened emotions.
Increased Self-Awareness: It prompts everyone to take a mental step back and observe their own behavior more objectively.
Psychological Safety: By demonstrating it’s okay to address interpersonal dynamics directly, you create a safer space for honest dialogue.
Refocusing on Shared Goals: It reminds everyone that you’re theoretically all there to accomplish something together, not just to win individual battles. (View Highlight)
Now, I’ll be real with you – this technique isn’t without its risks. Used clumsily, it can backfire and make things even worse. Here are some potential pitfalls to watch out for:
Projecting Your Own Feelings: Be careful not to assume everyone else is experiencing things the same way you are. Use “I” statements and ask open questions. Bad: “We’re all getting really pissed off here.” Better: “I’m noticing I’m feeling frustrated. How’s everyone else feeling?”
Singling People Out: Calling attention to one person’s reaction can make them feel attacked or put on the spot. Bad: “John, you look really angry right now.” Better: “I’m sensing some strong emotions in the room. What’s going on for folks?”
Derailing Productive Conversation: Sometimes things get a bit heated because people care deeply. Don’t interrupt flow state if real progress is actually happening.
Overuse: If you’re constantly meta-commenting on the conversation, it can become distracting and annoying. Use this technique judiciously.
Lack of Follow-Through: Naming what’s happening is only valuable if it leads to constructive next steps. Be prepared to suggest a path forward. (View Highlight)
Here are some tactical tips I’ve learned (often the hard way):
Keep it Short and Sweet: You don’t need to launch into a lengthy analysis. A brief, neutral observation is often most effective.
Use a Calm Tone: Your delivery matters as much as your words. Keep your voice steady and non-confrontational.
Mind Your Body Language: Uncross your arms, make open eye contact, lean in slightly. Physically embody the openness you’re trying to create.
Ask, Don’t Tell: Instead of declarative statements, try phrasing things as questions. “Are we still aligned on our goals here?” invites reflection better than “We’ve lost sight of our goals.”
Focus on Collective Experience: Use “we” language to reinforce the idea that you’re all in this together. “It seems like we’re having trouble finding common ground” vs. “You all aren’t listening to each other.”
Acknowledge Uncertainty: It’s okay to admit you might be misreading things. “I might be off base here, but it feels like…”
Offer a Way Forward: Don’t just point out the problem – suggest a potential solution or next step. “Should we take a 5-minute breather and then regroup?”
Know When to Escalate: Sometimes you need to involve a higher-up or neutral third party. If things are really off the rails, don’t be afraid to loop in additional help. (View Highlight)
That’s when our VP of People spoke up. In a calm voice, she said:
“Hey team, I’d like to pause for a moment. It feels like we’ve shifted from collaborative problem-solving to defending our individual territories. I’m wondering if we can take a step back and remind ourselves of our shared goals here?”
The effect was almost magical. You could see people physically relax a bit. There were a few sheepish looks exchanged. Our CEO, to his credit, jumped in to reframe the conversation around our core company mission.
We didn’t magically solve everything in that meeting. But that small intervention completely shifted the tone. We were able to have a much more productive discussion and eventually reach a compromise everyone could live with. (View Highlight)
While this technique is incredibly powerful for large, contentious meetings, don’t sleep on its usefulness in other contexts (View Highlight)
1:1s: Noticing and naming subtle shifts in your direct reports’ demeanor can open up crucial conversations. “I’ve noticed you seem less enthusiastic in our planning sessions lately. What’s going on?” (View Highlight)
Team Retrospectives: Normalizing the practice of naming dynamics can create a culture of openness and continuous improvement. “It feels like we’re all a bit hesitant to give direct feedback. How can we create more psychological safety? (View Highlight)
Cross-Functional Collaboration: When working across teams, explicitly acknowledging different priorities and working styles can prevent a lot of friction. “I realize Engineering and Product often have different timelines in mind. Let’s talk about how we can better align.” (View Highlight)
Onboarding New Team Members: Helping new folks understand unspoken team dynamics by naming them explicitly can speed up integration. “You might notice our standups tend to run long because we value deep discussion. Let me know if that’s not working for you.” (View Highlight)
Personal Growth: Practicing this at work will likely spill over into your personal life too. Being able to name dynamics in relationships of all kinds is a valuable life skill. (View Highlight)
But here’s the thing: 9 times out of 10, everyone else in that room is feeling the same discomfort you are. By finding the courage to name it, you’re not being a troublemaker — you’re being a leader.
It takes practice to get comfortable with this skill. Start small. Try it in lower-stakes situations first. Pay attention to how others react and refine your approach. (View Highlight)
