Full Title: How to Win Friends and Influence People
Highlights
as these adults needed training in effective speaking, they needed still more training in the fine art of getting along with people in everyday business and social contacts. (Location 95)
Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business. (Location 99)
about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering— to personality and the ability to lead people. (Location 102)
the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people— that person is headed for higher earning power. (Location 107)
a practical, working handbook on human relations. (Location 122)
“Education,” said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of Princeton University, “is the ability to meet life’s situations.” (Location 173)
“the great aim of education,” said Herbert Spencer, “is not knowledge but action.” (Location 175)
“My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.” (Location 184)
After dinner I went off by myself, opened my engagement book, and thought over all the interviews, discussions and meetings that had taken place during the week. I asked myself: “‘ What mistakes did I make that time?’ “‘ What did I do that was right— and in what way could I have improved my performance?’ “‘ What lessons can I learn from that experience?’ “I often found that this weekly review made me very unhappy. I was frequently astonished at my own blunders. Of course, as the years passed, these blunders became less frequent. Sometimes I was inclined to pat myself on the back a little after one of these sessions. This system of self-analysis, self-education, continued year after year, did more for me than any other one thing I have ever attempted. (Location 218)
IN ORDER TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK: a. Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human relations. b. Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one. c. As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply each suggestion. d. Underscore each important idea. e. Review this book each month. f. Apply these principles at every opportunity. Use this volume as a working handbook to help you solve your daily problems. g. Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles. h. Check up each week on the progress you are making. Ask yourself what mistakes you have made, what improvement, what lessons you have learned for the future. i. Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you have applied these principles. (Location 231)
Part One Fundamental Techniques in Handling People (Location 244)
“If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive” (Location 247)
If Al Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley, Dutch Schultz, and the desperate men and women behind prison walls don’t blame themselves for anything— what about the people with whom you and I come in contact? (Location 275)
ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. (Location 280)
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. (Location 281)
an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. (Location 283)
The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned. (Location 286)
Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; (Location 319)
studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years and devoted all of three years to writing and rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the Unknown. (Location 326)
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” (Location 342)
sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility. (Location 371)
Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others— yes, and a lot less dangerous. “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.” (Location 380)
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. (Location 392)
will speak ill of no man,” he said, “… and speak all the good I know of everybody.” Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain— and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. (Location 397)
The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding— this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years. (Location 434)
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.” (Location 443)
PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. (Location 447)
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. (Location 451)
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. (Location 455)
the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” (Location 457)
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” (Location 466)
It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. (Location 481)
the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance. (Location 489)
History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance. (Location 490)
many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality. (Location 515)
some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity. (Location 524)
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.” (Location 535)
have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.” (Location 542)
That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as privately. (Location 543)
When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was “lack of appreciation.” And I’d bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands would come out the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them. (Location 553)
We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars. (Location 575)
Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms. (Location 585)
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. (Location 591)
be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.” (Location 594)
a definition of flattery that may be worth repeating: “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.” (Location 598)
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth. (Location 601)
One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse. Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and approval. (Location 603)
Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed. (Location 616)
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” (Location 621)
Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” (Location 622)
PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation. (Location 625)
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. (Location 637)
Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash. (Location 638)
Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. How about the time you gave a large contribution to the Red Cross? Yes, that is no exception to the rule. You gave the Red Cross the donation because you wanted to lend a helping hand; you wanted to do a beautiful, unselfish, divine act. “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” (Location 646)
If you hadn’t wanted that feeling more than you wanted your money, you would not have made the contribution. (Location 649)
First, arouse in the other person an eager want. (Location 653)
the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants. (Location 655)
Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?” (Location 673)
Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it. (Location 694)
“If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” (Location 700)
That is so good, I want to repeat it: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” (Location 701)
This letter had the reverse effect from that which was intended. The letter begins by describing the Terminal’s difficulties, in which we are not interested, generally speaking. Our cooperation is then requested without any thought as to whether it would inconvenience us, and then, finally, in the last paragraph, the fact is mentioned that if we do cooperate it will mean more expeditious discharge of our trucks with the assurance that our freight will go forward on the date of its receipt. (Location 758)
Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired, discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking only of what they want. They don’t realize that neither you nor I want to buy anything. If we did, we would go out and buy it. But both of us are eternally interested in solving our problems. (Location 791)
Yet many salespeople spend a lifetime in selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle. (Location 795)
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous (Location 814)
“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.” (Location 816)
Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. (Location 819)
One of the students in the author’s training course was worried about his little boy. The child was underweight and refused to eat properly. His parents used the usual method. They scolded and nagged. “Mother wants you to eat this and that.” “Father wants you to grow up to be a big man.” (Location 841)
No one with a trace of horse sense would expect a child three years old to react to the viewpoint of a father thirty years old. Yet that was precisely what that father had expected. It was absurd. He finally saw that. So he said to himself: “What does that boy want? How can I tie up what I want to what he wants?” (Location 844)
“self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” Why can’t we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it. (Location 875)
PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want. (Location 879)
IN A NUTSHELL FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation. PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want. (Location 881)
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love. (Location 895)
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. (Location 903)
People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves— morning, noon and after dinner. (Location 906)
“If the author doesn’t like people,” he said, “people won’t like his or her stories.” (Location 921)
“I am telling you,” he said, “the same things your preacher would tell you, but remember, you have to be interested in people if you want to be a successful writer of stories.” (Location 923)
But Thurston’s method was totally different. He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself: “I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can.” (Location 935)
I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess— for any person, for that matter.” (Location 973)
All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne— all of us like people who admire us. (Location 983)
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people— things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. (Location 990)
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. (Location 999)
Publilius Syrus, remarked: “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” (Location 1042)
A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street— both parties benefit. (Location 1043)
PRINCIPLE 1 Become genuinely interested in other people. (Location 1060)
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them. (Location 1070)
“People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.” (Location 1083)
“I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in friendships and happiness— the only things that matter much after all.” (Location 1118)
You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. (Location 1121)
“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. (Location 1123)
It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. (Location 1128)
“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.” (Location 1132)
Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office not only is lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other employees in the company. (Location 1138)
The ancient Chinese were a wise lot— wise in the ways of the world; and they had a proverb that you and I ought to cut out and paste inside our hats. It goes like this: “A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” (Location 1155)
PRINCIPLE 2 Smile. (Location 1173)
Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it— and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage. (Location 1201)
the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. “One way to warm it up,” he said, “is to remember people’s names. The executive who tells me he can’t remember names is at the same time telling me he can’t remember a significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand.” (Location 1234)
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat (Location 1247)
Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important— yet how many of us do it? (Location 1269)
One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: “To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.” (Location 1272)
Napoleon the Third, Emperor of France and nephew of the great Napoleon, boasted that in spite of all his royal duties he could remember the name of every person he met. His technique? Simple. If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?” During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression and general appearance. (Location 1274)
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing… and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others. (Location 1287)
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. (Location 1292)
“Few human beings,” wrote Jack Woodford in Strangers in Love, “few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.” (Location 1314)
in my approbation and lavish in my praise.” (Location 1315)
“There is no mystery about successful business intercourse… Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.” (Location 1320)
He asked famous people to tell him more about themselves. (Location 1388)
Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.” (Location 1397)
persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.” (Location 1399)
Lincoln hadn’t wanted advice. He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That’s what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend. (Location 1405)
If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence. (Location 1412)
People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And “those people who think only of themselves,” Dr. Nicholas Murray Butler, longtime president of Columbia University, said, “are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated,” said Dr. Butler, “no matter how instructed they may be.” (Location 1416)
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. (Location 1418)
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. (Location 1420)
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. (Location 1423)
Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. (Location 1429)
as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. (Location 1430)
studying human relations, I resolved to change my tactics. I decided to find out what interested this man— what caught his enthusiasm. (Location 1456)
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. (Location 1482)
“What is there about him that I can honestly admire?” That is sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers; but, in this case, it happened to be easy. (Location 1489)
Always make the other person feel important. (Location 1503)
William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” (Location 1505)
unto others as you would have others do unto you.” (Location 1511)
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to———?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”— little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life— and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding. (Location 1528)
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. (Location 1554)
Make the other person feel important— and do it sincerely. (Location 1644)
IN A NUTSHELL SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU PRINCIPLE 1 Become genuinely interested in other people. PRINCIPLE 2 Smile. PRINCIPLE 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. PRINCIPLE 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. PRINCIPLE 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. PRINCIPLE 6 Make the other person feel important— and do it sincerely. (Location 1646)
I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument— and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. (Location 1681)
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And— A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still. (Location 1684)
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will. (Location 1703)
You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong. (Location 1709)
He wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being. (Location 1722)
Buddha said: “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,” and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint. (Location 1724)
Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake. (Location 1731)
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best. (Location 1734)
Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. (Location 1736)
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding. (Location 1737)
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree. (Location 1739)
Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness. (Location 1741)
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.” (Location 1742)
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends. (Location 1745)
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions: (Location 1747)
“My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we’ve kept it no matter how angry we’ve grown with each other. When one yells, the other should listen— because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.” (Location 1754)
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. (Location 1757)
if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. (Location 1765)
Never begin by announcing “I am going to prove so-and-so to you.” That’s bad. That’s tantamount to saying: “I’m smarter than you are. I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind.” That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start. (Location 1768)
you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot. (Location 1772)
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself. (Location 1775)
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. (Location 1776)
If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong— yes, even that you know is wrong— isn’t it better to begin by saying: “Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.” (Location 1780)
There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” (Location 1782)
‘Our dealership has made so many mistakes that I am frequently ashamed. We may have erred in your case. Tell me about it.’ “This approach becomes quite disarming, and by the time the customer releases his feelings, he is usually much more reasonable when it comes to settling the matter. In fact, several customers have thanked me for having such an understanding attitude. (Location 1787)
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. (Location 1792)
Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right,” or “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s unreasonable,” “that’s incorrect,” “that’s not nice.” Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.* (Location 1817)
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus. (Location 1828)
Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography— one of the most fascinating life stories ever written, one of the classics of American literature. Ben Franklin tells how he conquered the iniquitous habit of argument and transformed himself into one of the most able, suave and diplomatic men in American history. (Location 1835)
“I made it a rule,” said Franklin, “to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’d opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ etc., and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend,’ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’ (Location 1844)
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny’d myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear’d or seem’d to me some difference, etc. (Location 1847)
more easily prevail’d with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. (Location 1852)
“I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.” (Location 1870)
Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, then the nation’s highest-ranking black officer. Dr. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles— not by my own.” (Location 1903)
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” (Location 1913)
That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy. (Location 1936)
instead of breaking lances with him, I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm. (Location 1938)
If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips? (Location 1941)
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say— and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized (Location 1942)
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error. (Location 1961)
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes— and most fools do— but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes. (Location 1972)
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong— and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves— let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself. (Location 2015)
“By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.” (Location 2018)
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. (Location 2019)
If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly. (Location 2054)
It is an old and true maxim that “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to reason. (Location 2059)
The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. (Location 2124)
Begin in a friendly way. (Location 2139)
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing— and keep on emphasizing— the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.” (Location 2142)
A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet,* is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the “No” was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. (Location 2145)
The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite direction. (Location 2149)
Get a student to say “No” at the beginning, or a customer, child, husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative. (Location 2158)
it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes.’” (Location 2195)
“Socratic method,” was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously. (Location 2210)
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. (Location 2217)
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things. If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. (Location 2220)
I discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.” (Location 2238)
I had never listened to her. I was always telling her to do this or that. When she wanted to tell me her thoughts, feelings, ideas, I interrupted with more orders. I began to realize that she needed me— not as a bossy mother, but as a confidante, an outlet for all her confusion about growing up. And all I had been doing was talking when I should have been listening. I never heard her. (Location 2245)
Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours. (Location 2272)
La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” (Location 2273)
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. (Location 2283)
he urged his people to tell him exactly what they expected from him. As they talked, he wrote their ideas on the blackboard. He then said: “I’ll give you all these qualities you expect from me. Now I want you to tell me what I have a right to expect from you.” The replies came quick and fast: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, teamwork, eight hours a day of enthusiastic work. The meeting ended with a new courage, a new inspiration— one (Location 2291)
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts. (Location 2297)
realized why I had failed for years to sell him,” said Mr. Wesson. “I had urged him to buy what I thought he ought to have. Then I changed my approach completely. I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.” (Location 2310)
Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray equipment. The first shipment of these machines has just arrived at our office. They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve them. So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made more serviceable to your profession. Knowing how occupied you are, I shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you specify. (Location 2326)
“In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.” (Location 2334)
After I got to know the President,’ House said, ‘I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it— so as to get him thinking about it on his own account. The first time this worked it was an accident. I had been visiting him at the White House and urged a policy on him which he appeared to disapprove. But several days later, at the dinner table, I was amazed to hear him trot out my suggestion as his own.’” (Location 2339)
Did House interrupt him and say, “That’s not your idea. That’s mine”? Oh, no. Not House. He was too adroit for that. He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results. So he let Wilson continue to feel that the idea was his. House did even more than that. He gave Wilson public credit for these ideas. Let’s remember that everyone we come in contact with is just as human as Woodrow Wilson. So let’s use Colonel House’s technique. (Location 2342)
“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.” (Location 2353)
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. (Location 2357)
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that. (Location 2361)
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason— and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. (Location 2362)
Try honestly to put yourself in his place. If you say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?” you will save yourself time and irritation, for “by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.” And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships. (Location 2364)
in his book How to Turn People Into Gold, “stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.” (Location 2366)
“Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.”* (Location 2379)
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person— from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives— was likely to answer. (Location 2422)
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. (Location 2428)
“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” (Location 2433)
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. (Location 2440)
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. (Location 2536)
a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives. (Location 2545)
If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment? (Location 2576)
when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.” (Location 2604)
Appeal to the nobler motives. (Location 2609)
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention. (Location 2621)
Dramatize your ideas. (Location 2669)
“The way to get things done,” says Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” (Location 2685)
“I have never found,” said Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the great Firestone Tire and Rubber Company, “that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.” (Location 2704)
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job. (Location 2708)
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. (Location 2709)
Throw down a challenge. (Location 2712)
IN A NUTSHELL WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING PRINCIPLE 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. PRINCIPLE 2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” PRINCIPLE 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. PRINCIPLE 4 Begin in a friendly way. PRINCIPLE 5 Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. PRINCIPLE 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. PRINCIPLE 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. PRINCIPLE 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. PRINCIPLE 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. PRINCIPLE 10 Appeal to the nobler motives. PRINCIPLE 11 Dramatize your ideas. PRINCIPLE 12 Throw down a challenge. (Location 2714)
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. (Location 2743)
A barber lathers a man before he shaves him; (Location 2744)
Begin with praise and honest appreciation. (Location 2816)
Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism. (Location 2843)
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. (Location 2869)
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. (Location 2883)
If a few sentences humbling oneself and praising the other party can turn a haughty, insulted Kaiser into a staunch friend, imagine what humility and praise can do for you and me in our daily contacts. (Location 2920)
Admitting one’s own mistakes— even when one hasn’t corrected them— can help convince somebody to change his behavior. (Location 2922)
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. (Location 2932)
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. (Location 2953)
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. (Location 2965)
Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. (Location 2974)
“Firing employees is not much fun. Getting fired is even less fun.” (Location 2978)
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. (Location 3009)
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” (Location 3010)
Let the other person save face. (Location 3013)
Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving. (Location 3020)
“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”* (Location 3022)
F. Skinner’s teachings. This great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention. (Location 3047)
“We decided to try praise instead of harping on their faults. It wasn’t easy when all we could see were the negative things they were doing; it was really tough to find things to praise. We managed to find something, and within the first day or two some of the really upsetting things they were doing quit happening. Then some of their other faults began to disappear. They began capitalizing on the praise we were giving them. They even began going out of their way to do things right. Neither of us could believe it. Of course, it didn’t last forever, but the norm reached after things leveled off was so much better. It was no longer necessary to react the way we used to. The children were doing far more right things than wrong ones.” All of this was a result of praising the slightest improvement in the children rather than condemning everything they did wrong. (Location 3053)
Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere— not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good. (Location 3069)
we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery. (Location 3070)
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” (Location 3082)
if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned. (Location 3098)
“Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.” But give him a good name— and see what happens! (Location 3131)
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. (Location 3143)
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique— be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it— and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel. (Location 3157)
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. (Location 3200)
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. (Location 3214)
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior: 1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person. 2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do. 3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants. 4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest. 5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants. 6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. (Location 3248)
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. (Location 3266)
BE A LEADER A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this: PRINCIPLE 1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation. PRINCIPLE 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. PRINCIPLE 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. PRINCIPLE 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. PRINCIPLE 5 Let the other person save face. PRINCIPLE 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” PRINCIPLE 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. PRINCIPLE 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. PRINCIPLE 9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. (Location 3268)
That survey revealed that the prime interest of adults is health. It also revealed that their second interest is in developing skill in human relationships— they want to learn the technique of getting along with and influencing other people. They don’t want to become public speakers, and they don’t want to listen to a lot of high-sounding talk about psychology; they want suggestions they can use immediately in business, in social contacts and in the home. (Location 3309)
They soon discovered that if one aspired to wear the captain’s cap and navigate the ship of business, personality and the ability to talk are more important than a knowledge of Latin verbs or a sheepskin from Harvard. (Location 3322)
The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd. And the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what he or she really possesses. (Location 3362)
