Tactical empathy.
Author: [Chris Voss]
1. New rules
Most potent negotiating tool: open questions. Calibrated questions buy you time, make the counterpart feel they are in control.
Ask the same open questions over and over until they give you everything you want.
We humans are irrational and that is the reason why fixed process based on logic are not the best techniques for negotiating.
Seminal negotiating scholar works focused on problem solving and agreeing in a mutual game.
Kahneman brought the irrationality of man, that we are not completely selfish and that feeling is a form of thinking. Tastes are not stable. And he differentiated two systems. System 1 is our fast animal mind. System 2 is slow and logical. System 1 is more influential because it guides our rational thoughts.
If you are able to affect system 1 in your counterpart then you can guide his system 2 and modify his responses. Emotional intelligence needs to be central to effective negotiation.
People want empathy. They want to be listened. Tactical empathy is active listening aims to balance emotional intelligence and assertive skills of influence.
Life is negotiation
The majority of interactions in our daily life are related to an animalistic urge: I want.
Negotiation serves 2 function:
- Information gathering
- Behaviour influence
2. Be a mirror
Be open minded, question assumptions and be ready to update your beliefs for each new piece of information you get.
Goal is to identify what they actually need and get them feel safe to talk about they want. Wants represent the aspiration, needs the minimum to survive, and they make us vulnerable.
The best effective mode of influence is how we enact. Radiate warmth and acceptance. Voice is the most powerful tool for verbal communication. Voice tones for negotiators: positive/playful, Late night FM DJ voice (deep, soft, slow), and assertive voice.
Most of the time positive/playful, talking relaxed and smiling. Positive frame of mind make people collaborate instead of fight and resist.
The late-night FM DJ voice conveys the idea “I’m in control”.
Mirroring, aka isopraxism, is imitation of speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo and tone of voice. S very effective mirror is to repeat last three words.
How to confront
- Use the late-night FM DJ voice
- Start with “I’m sorry…”
- Mirror
- Silence for 4 seconds
- Repeat
Key lessons
Language of negotiation is a language of conversation and rapport to establish relationships and get people to talk and think together.
Key lessons:
- A great negotiators aims to use skills to reveal the surprises is certain to find
- Don’t commit to assumptions. View as hypothesis and use negotiation to test them
- Negotiation is not a battle of arguments, it’s a process of discovery The goal is to uncover as much information as possible
- To quiet voices in your head focus the other person and what they have to say
- Slow it down. Hurry makes people think they are not heard
- Put a smile in your face.
Voices available:
- The late night FM DJ voice. Use selectively to make a point. You create an aura of authority without triggering defensiveness.
- The positive/playful voice. Default voice Easygoing person. Attitude is light and encouraging. Key is relax and smile
- Direct or assertive voice. Will cause problems and create pushback
Mirrors work magic. Repeat last three words. Facilitates bonding.
3. Don’t feel their pain, label it
Emotions aren’t obstacles and the means. If you can perceive other people emotions you can turn them to your advantage.
Tactical empathy
Empathy is ” the ability to recognise the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalisation of that recognition.” Try to understand a situation from others perspective.
Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in the moments that follow.
You can mold your audience by how you approach and talk to them.
Neural resonance is when our brains start to allign.
Exercise. When some talks imagine that you are that person Visualise yourself in the position they describe with as much detail as you can
Labeling
Use tactical empathy to recognise and understand emotions, turn them into words and respectfully repest back at them.
Labeling builds intimacy. It is a way to validate emotions by acknowledging them.
Steps:
- Spot feelings by noticing words, tone and body language. Pay close attention to changes to your words.
- Once spotted say it out loud. Labels can be statements or questions. They begin with words such as: “It seems like…”, “It sounds like…”, “It looks like…“.
- Silence and listen. Invite the other person to reveal.
Neutralise the negative, reinforce the positive. Peoples emotions has two levels: the surface or presenting behaviour and the underlying feeling that motivates the behaviour.
The best way to deal with negativity is to observyit without reaction and judgement Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate and solution based thoughts.
Labeling fears show our counterpart that we understand
Accusation audit
List every bad thing your counterpart could say about you.
Key lessons
These tools foster human connection and create more meaningful and warm relationships.
- Imagine yourself in your counterpart situation. By acknowledging the other person’s situation they know you are listening and they may disclose useful information.
- Be open about negatives
- Silence. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement let it sink in
- Label tour counterparts fear to diffuse their power.
- List the worst thinks that the other party could say about you before the other person can.
- Use labels that reinforce positive perception and dynamics
4. Beware yes, master no
Pushing hard for yes does not get you closer to win “No” is pure goal. It provides a great opportunity to clarify what you really want by eliminating what you don’t want.
No is the starting point of the negotiation. It allows you to be in control, maintain status quo. Give people the power of say no, the power of veto. Great negotiators seek No because they know it is when negotiation begins.
3 kinds of yes: counterfeit, confirmation and commitment. The last one is the one that you want because is the one that lesds to a promise of action.
You are the voice to make them reach your goal as it was theirs. For that you need to fully grasp what they want. And you get there not with fake smiles but by asking for no.
Saying no makes the speaker feel they are in control and creates security.
Instead of asking do you have a few minutes to talk, ask Is now a bad time to talk?
In email it couk be a: have you given you on this project?
You can get a no by mislabeling emotions or desires or ask them what they don’t want.
Key lessons
Disagreeing makes the other part to feel safety and in control. Triggering no gets you to what’s really at stake.
- Break the habit of chasing the yes. Pushing people to yes makes people defensive.
- No usually means wait or that is not what I want. Learn how to hear it calmly
- Saying no makes the speaker feel safe, secure and in control.
- Sometimes the only way to make the people engange and devote some time to you is by forcing a no. “It seems like you want this project to fail”
- Negotiate in their world. Let them convince themselves that the solution you want is their own idea.
- If a potential business partner is ignoring you contar then with s no oriented question.
That’s right.
Behavioural Change Stairway Model: active listening, empathy, rapport, influence and behavioural change. You can start exerting influence is when the counterpart says “That’s right”. It is a subtle epiphany.
A good summary can trigger a “That’s right moment.”. It can be a combination of rearticulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgement of the emotions underlying that meaning. Paraphrasing+ labeling = Summary.
“You are right” is not a good sign because that might agree but they don’t own the ppconclusion.
Key lessons
That’s right moment indicates there is a real understanding between the parties. And when you convince someone that you understand their dreams and feelings, it w I’ll be possible to influence them
- The more s person feels understood, the more likely they are to be open to constructive behaviour
- That’s right is better than yes, it can create breakthroughs
- Use summary to trigger that’s right.
Bend their reality
Negotiation is never a linear formula. There are leverages in unspoken needs and thoughts.
Don’t compromise. Splitting the difference is usually ineffective and disastrous. No deal is better than a bad deal. Mismatched black and brown shoes.
Deadlines: make time your ally
Time is a crucial variable in negotiations. Deadlines make people take irrational decisions. Negotiation deadlines are usually imaginary, arbitrary and almost always flexible.
Patience is a formidable weapon if you believe you got all the time you need to make the negotiation right.
Deadlines cut both ways and when s negotiation is over for one side is over for the other too.
The fair word
Three ways to use it:
- I just want what is fair. Triggers feelings of defensiveness and discomfort. The best response is “I apologize and go back where I started treating you unfairly and let’s fix it”.
- We have given you a fair offer. It attempts to distract your attention and make you give up. Best response: Fair? 3 secs pause. Use a label: it seems like you are ready to provide the evidence to support this”.
- I want you to feel you are treating fairly at all times. So please stop at any time if you feel I’m being unfair, and we will address it
Discover emotional drivers behind what the other party values
You have to try to get what the counterpart problems, pains and unmet objectives are. If you can get at what petare really buying you can tell them a vision of their problem that leaves the proposal as the perfect solution.
What does a babysitter sell? Not child care, but a relaxed evening.
Bend their reality
Prospect theory by Kahneman. People prefer sure things over probabilities.It is certainty effect. And people will take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains. Loss aversion
Prospect theory tactics
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Anchor their emotions Inflame the other party loss aversion by acknowledging all their fears. Once they have low expectations, play on their loss aversion.
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Let the other guy go first, most of the time. Let the other side anchor monetary negotiations. Beware that the other side might go for an extreme anchor to bend your reality. If you are dealing with a rookie or someone who does not know the value you can open the negotiation and offer an extreme anchor. Or with an equally informed probyou can move first to make the negotiation go faster.
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Establish a range. Instead of I am worth 110k$, say at top places like X,bpeoplr in this job get between 130k and 170k. It does not move the counterpart in defensive position but thinking at higher levels. If you offer a range expect them to come in at the low end.
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Pivot to non monetary terms you can bend the other reality by talking nonmonetary terms. For instance, for a talk you may get a low offer, but maybe they don’t mind doing some promotion of you helping you with your brand.
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Use odd numbers and less rounded. Say 37263 sounds like the result of s thoughtful calculation. They se serious, permanent and immovable.
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Surprise with a gift. You can get the counterparty with a mood of generosity by staking an extreme anchor, and after their rejection offering an unrelated gift.
How to negotiate a better salary
Be pleasantly persistent on nonsalary terms
Create empathy on your boss by talking non salary terms.
Salary terms without success terms is russian roulette
Define success KPI to keep the conversation going for next year salary review
Spark their interest in your success
Your success is your boss success. Make yourself their embassador so they have high stakes in your success.
What does it take to be successful here?
Key lessons
Create the illusion of control
Negotiation is not a wrestling match in which you need to exhaust your opponent into submission.
Closed questions create tit-for-tat mentality. Our work as persuaders is not to get others believe what we say it is to stop them unbelieving.
Calibrated open questions remove lets you rule the conversation without sounding pushy. Asking for questions is a powerful tool to suspend unbelief.