Have you ever wondered why feeling incompetent might actually be a good thing? Feeling incompetent is alright. Yes, really. Nobody tells you that, do they? As we grow older we forget that feeling incompetent is actually the very first step to learn. Maybe it is because, in most professions, we adults usually operate within safe boundaries—we don’t try new things daily.
In contrast, I watch my 5-year-old attempt a cartwheel and fail. As a complete beginner, she tries, realizes she can’t do it, and says, “I cannot do it.” I genuinely believe we could all benefit from a growth mindset, so I am constantly encouraging her to add yet to the end of her sentence: “I cannot do it YET.”
With or without YET, she feels frustrated. But usually, she tries again—and without prompting—she makes small adjustments: maybe asking friends for help or rolling instead of cartwheeling. That initial frustration? It’s her first step toward success. What makes the difference is her bias toward action.
Action!
Important
The real problem with incompetence comes when it paralyzes you.
When I was a consultant, I was hired to build a massive recommender system. it was one of the few times in my career where I felt completely overwhelmed by incompetence. It almost paralyzed me. Sure, it was tough, but that experience taught me more about myself than almost anything else.
What saved me from derailing that project was action—but not just any action. This time around, I approached things differently: practicing self-compassion and diving into philosophy for guidance (but that’s a longer story for another day).
Afterward, I learned how to handle pressure by doubling down my bias for action. Let me share another of my feeling incompetent stories: The first time I heard about design patterns was eye-opening. Coming from an economics background, I’d never encountered such elegant abstractions in software design before! While working on a project with my boss at the time—he casually mentioned Facade patterns and Singleton classes like they were common knowledge. What!? After three years in tech? No one had ever told me about these!
So what did I do? Bought a Modern Book on Design Patterns and read it cover-to-cover, thanks to habits formed during my PhD days.
Asking for feedback
My bias towards action helped me just as much as it helps my daughter with every new challenge she faces. But here’s another crucial element: asking for feedback, specially when it stings.
I remember watching my boss give me this quirky smile after one of my early attempts at using design patterns—a look not unlike the one I wear when watching my daughter struggle through her own challenges. Exposing yourself like that—especially in front of your manager—isn’t easy. But short-term discomfort beats long-term stagnation any day.
Feeling incompetent is exactly what’s expected when stepping into something new, whether you’re moving from individual contributor roles into management or entering an entirely different field altogether. The worst part? You often don’t even know enough yet to understand how much there is left to learn!
But here’s where things change: You have to keep yourself afloat by shifting your mindset. Find mentors who can guide you along the way, educate yourself and gain seat time. Failure happens when there’s no movement—and no seeking feedback along the way.
My recipe to deal with incompetence
In my case, dealing with incompetence means leaning towards action, seeking for feedback to learn and being a bit reckless. Keep in mind though—I’ve got some grey hairs now—I’ve learned how far is too far when taking risks. If you’re just starting out, you may not have refined those instincts yet. So tread carefully but don’t let fear hold you back either.
When starting at any new company—you’ll likely be bombarded by unfamiliar tools/processes/context—all mixed up with natural jitters about fitting in quickly enough. That’s normal. We humans need time adapting! During onboarding—we should make clear expectations—that initial feelings of incompetence are part of the process because… well…you will be mostly useless at first. And that’s okay and expected!
ISit with those feelings; embrace them; accept them, and then move on! Try to learn from peers; ask questions; observe how others work until eventually you’ll find your footing.
And always act.
Because as someone new/inexperienced, you’ve got permission to fail. But also remember, you’re probably not great YET at estimating risk levels. So ask your manager both about risks & safety nets available.
Rinse & repeat.